I’m sure I won’t be the first (or the last) to make that joke, but it needed to be done. #sorrynotsorry

I was so excited to finally get back to the movie theater after spending the last month semi-quarantined with mono, but even my arrival at Alamo was clouded by a bad omen: turns out that Alamo NYC workers are on strike. I don’t usually cross picket lines, but since I couldn’t get a refund on the ticket so close to showtime, I figured I’d still see the movie and just not order any additional food or drink while I was there. (And now I guess I need to find a new theater at least temporarily to catch up on my movies…)

So yeah, not off to a great start, but I was interested to see “Love Hurts”. Considering I found the trailer so charming, this movie turned out to be a real disappointment. Putting aside the odd pacing throughout, I honestly never believed in the main “love story” being told. A narration by the main character tells us that he’s in love with a certain character, and then they provide no scenes or flashbacks to support this statement. All of their scenes together are nearly identical, with no romantic chemistry at all. It just seemed like the movie relied too heavily on directly narrating what should have been shown to the audience in a more organic way. The bond between Ke Huy Quan and Sean Astin was way better than anything between the romantic leads, and Sean Astin had like… 5-10 minutes of screentime the whole movie.

As I mentioned already, there was very odd narrating going on throughout the movie. I’m not against narration when it’s done well (shout-out to Ron Howard), but most instances of narration in this movie seemed to be trying to paper over cracks in the plot by over-explaining character thoughts and motivations. It would not shock me if it came out that these narrations were all recorded well after the scenes were all shot because an editor just couldn’t piece together this movie without them.

Also, Ariana DeBose was terrible, her character makes one face the entire movie no matter who she is speaking to and how she feels about them. There was no point in this movie where I found her likeable or charming, and that made it hard to believe the idea that the main character might do anything to “save” her.

I did enjoy Mashawn Lynch and André Eriksen as two hired goons who alternate between being bumbling fools and also somehow master martial artists. I also thought it was fun to see former ANTM alum Analeigh Tipton, who goes by “Lio” Tipton now, as well as one of the Property Brothers. What a breakthrough for reality TV stars!

tldr: A love story that is not going to get any love from me